Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
