While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
