My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
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