I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
