Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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