Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize