It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
