i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
