Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
