Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
