I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
