yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
