I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
