come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
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