i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
