i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
