I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
this just has baby written all over it
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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