I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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