I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
please don't ironically join a cult
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