U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
