ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
