I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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