I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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