First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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