hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
