I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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