just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
