Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
