she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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