I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
We just shotgunned beers for America
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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