my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
