Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
