just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
