In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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