the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
