Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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