Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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