Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
