Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
