i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
