I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
