just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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