Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
