Tell her she can't have a vagina
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
