God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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