God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
