yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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