im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
