he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
sarcasm needs its own font
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
