ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
