Yo dont text me then not text me
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
