I should be sponsored by Trojan
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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