well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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