Where did you get a picture of my penis
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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