ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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