By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
