Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
