mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You pole danced in your parka.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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