I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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