Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
