I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
