I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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