i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
