I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
