Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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